I'm a little strange. I tend to distance artists from their music, which means that I could dislike Britney Spears for her bad decisions concerning her personal life, but like her latest album, or I could not be a fan of Lady GaGa's music videos because of how promiscuous she seems to be, yet enjoy her techno-pop style of music and fashion. The same goes for many other artists because of their personal scandals, but when it comes to their voices.. Well, you know.

I was in Japan again, for a night and a day, two Wednesdays ago. Takeru's college had a students' party, something I never thought I'd attend before entering college.. but I did end up going, along with Takeru, Hikari, Ken, Sora, and Mimi. Oh, and did I mention Koemi-sempai? The last time I spoke to him was years ago, but I was still surprised to see how much he's changed since then.. though I suppose he couldn't have gotten any taller since high school. How tall is he, 6'1''? 6'2''? Seriously, how tall some people can grow just astounds me!

I felt mature and increasingly deaf, being with the college crowd, but seeing some of my old classmates from my time as an exchange student in Japan made me feel like I was thirteen again! We reminisced a little, laughing about those days when I wanted to dye my hair black in order to blend in, because of how people thought that 'the French girl was stealing Takeru away from Hikari'.. Oh, the memories! Everyone looked amazing, though - not that I expected anything less from the Japanese! - and even I was complimented on my make-up a few times before Takeru stole me away to dance. (We stood out, as usual, but we did prove, at least, that 'Blondes have more fun!')

A few bands played during the party, but I danced more to the pop songs that came up.. I suppose that's because I'm not much of a rocker (and since I'm not updated with Japanese pop music right now.. Recommendations, anyone?)! I remember the American pop songs Check Yes Juliet because of how upbeat it was (and since I danced to it with Takeru), and Just Dance.. and I know that I got a turn dancing with almost everyone, even people I don't know! It was disconcerting at one point, but when the faces began to blur together as the night went on, I decided just to have fun. ;) And I did!

The thing is, we might have taken the lyrics of Just Dance a little too literally especially Takeru and I'm being vague on purpose. Let's just say that as soon as we were out the doors of the building, Takeru (along with several unidentified people) didn't have to do any more walking. I never appreciated Koemi-sempai's strength until that night! Takeru's breakfast the next day was on me: I made some coffee for myself and prepared some water and French toast for my host.. I hope that you didn't mind the burnt edges. ;)

To all those who were there - I really enjoyed being with you! After spending time with the Americans so often (Daisuke, you and I live between two worlds!), speaking in Japanese was a pleasant change. Mimi, darling.. It's been ages, but you're as pretty as ever! ♥ Sora and Hikari, it was great seeing you, too! It was even nice to see Ken, but I doubt that he felt the same way. I'm not surprised.

I've had a good week so far, but what made it better was that when I mentioned the party, Maman suddenly mentioned how we should ask Takeru to come over again! So, Takeru.. Would you like to come over this weekend? You don't visit as often as you should! :) It's all right if you can't, but it would make us all happy. We've missed you!

I'll write again soon! Much love from Paris to the the rest world!

♥ catherine

You, me, our friends, the party..



I need to make a coherent post very soon. I swear I will.

When someone says that he loves another, he usually means it in a romantic way - all other types of love need not be professed or spoken aloud, am I right? When he says that he cannot help thinking about someone, he means it because he wants to be with that person. That's what we all believe that love means.

But sometimes.. love doesn't have to be romantic. I figured that out last Friday, in front of the campfire, with Takeru.

I still can't find the words to write about it, but I will.

Just not now.



:)

♥

Five-thirty in the morning. That’s the time when I rose from my bed, took a shower, changed my clothes, and disappeared into the Digital World for Japan yesterday. It was still dark outside, and almost ominously quiet, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I could see the top of Eiffel Tower high above the rooftops, lit by the footlights at the base of the tower, and even in my almost-somnambulistic state, I could appreciate my city’s beauty at that lonely hour.

I had never left the house so early in ages. The last time I woke up before seven was on the day that we left for the French Riviera a year ago. Wanting to take advantage of the sun, sand, and sea, Mother had insisted that we leave early in the morning for an arrival that same morning. True enough, at five o’clock we were all up and moving, though I tripped over my own feet as I headed down the stairs. It wasn’t a memorable morning for them, but the rest of the two weeks that we were there were amazing: Papa, after all, was able to relax without his Blackberry (that he hardly knew how to use) chiming alerts for messages, calls, and e-mails, while Mamán reconnected with the man she’d loved and married.

I spent those fourteen days (and six hours) thinking about Amon. Daisuke. Takeru. Wallace. I awoke from nightmares, sweat running down my neck while I tried to bundle my hair up into a plait at one side of my head, worrying that I’d woken Floramon because of my heavy breathing. One morning, Floramon gently informed me that I sometimes spoke in my sleep, issuing forth a strange jumble of French, English, and Japanese punctuated by names. Sometimes, she said, I even cried.

I knew that she was lying. Sometimes wasn’t the right word; always was. I knew so whenever I woke up and felt trails of dried tears that had, overnight, run down my cheeks, and each time I cursed myself for being weak. Floramon had protected me then; Floramon had kept me safe. Love, despite the cliché, had kept me safe.

I couldn’t help wondering, however, what would have happened if I had never fallen in love in the first place. I imagined that I would have been immune to it all, because I had nothing to hurt me. Then again, I thought every single time, I love Mamán and Papa – it would not have worked that way..

I spent the days tossing and turning for a proper tan, and the nights tossing and turning to be able to find a comfortable position in which I could sleep. I talked to Daisuke often, sending him almost daily text messages about the cute boys I saw, asking him if he was all right, and trying to hide the fact that I was still, in my own way, out of my mind with worry. I was almost completely normal to my family, but apparently I wasn’t as inconspicuous as I tried to be.

When we returned home, my skin the golden hue I’d always wanted to achieve, Mamán made me meet with a psychologist. She is the best in Paris, Mother said. She is also my best friend. She’ll help you, Catherine.. even, - she hastened to add, when I opened my mouth to speak - if you believe that you don’t need any help.

I found the whole situation upsetting. I had gotten through so many things without outside help – the events of 2002, my liking for Takeru, Yamato’s disappearance, Wallace’s departure – that I felt hurt by Mamán’s assumption that I was unready for real life, for university, because of this. Defer university because of an event nobody outside our group of Chosen knew about? Never.

When I visited the counselor’s office, I showed her that I was fine. I spoke well, answered all questions correctly – or as correctly as one can be when giving responses about emotional health –, and told her proudly about my friends. Takeru is an absolute gentleman, as if were born and raised in France, I said, smiling. Daisuke is a darling; he trains with an under-eighteen’s soccer league in Paris, so I get to see him all the time, though I never thought that such a thing would happen between us.. and Wallace - Wallace is a genius. He is, I always said, the best kind of guy I could ever have gone out with.

However, the more I moved away from the topic she wanted to discuss – wasting hundreds, maybe thousands of Euros in the process; Euros that were never paid because of the aforementioned counselor’s debts to Mamán, her friend – the more she and my parents knew that I couldn’t deal with anything. They called it denial, while I called it a soon-to-be-over state of shock. They called it post-traumatic stress disorder, while I called it a phase. Some phases never end, though, love, the woman responded. If so, I am here to make sure that yours does.

I have spent the past year being completely unproductive. My life has revolved around Daisuke lately - Daisuke, Takeru, Tatum, Michael, and Lara.. and though Mina is a recent addition to my small group of friends, I have grown to love her so much. It is, for lack of better term, different, having girl friends now. But nice. Always nice.

There are some things that I cannot tell even girl friends, though - some things that are better left unspoken. Unwritten, however, they won't be.. because I have no other place to sort out my thoughts if not here.

Daisuke.

Mina.

Michael.

Takeru..

Tonight, then. Tonight.

Mina is coming to Paris now!

As I write, she is on the flight heading here, and Daisuke is sitting on my bed, trying not to be impatient as I attempt to update you all. It's been weeks since I last wrote, but I have been busy.. with outings, mostly. (Joyeux anniversaire, Derek and Lara!) It looks like I'll be busy this coming week as well - Daisuke and I are going to give Mina a grand tour of Paris, though I should be doing most of it, as Daisuke has work to do. I am sure that it will be lots of fun.. We'll be able to bond, Mina and I!

Mina will be staying in my guest room down the hall, but I'll have her spend time in mine as mch as she can.. and I'll definitely crash hers. (That should be fine, right, Mina?) She says that she'll be bringing her dog Hanuman, which should be interesting, as I've never had a pet around before.. Please be very well-trained in matters of the excretory system, Hanuman!

Also, since Mina and I are both girls and therefore enjoy bothering spending time with boys, we'll probably be spending time with Christophe and Henri.. and who else but our favorite young man, Daisuke? I visit Daisuke almost everyday, so it'll be the same, except I'll have a beautiful young Indian woman tagging along as well! (You'll get more customers because of us, love, really!) I'll be taking her cafe-hopping, but we will be around Daisuke's place very often.. but you knew that, of course.

Though I'd love to write more, Claire is at the door, asking me to head downstairs because our chauffeur Jacques has been waiting for the past half-hour for Daisuke and me to enter the car. (I'm sorry, Jacques!) Daisuke and I should be off to Charles de Gaulle Airport then.. I am sorely tempted to wave a big illustration board with the words 'Welcome, Mina Raksha!' but when I mentioned that to Maman, she just stared at me. All right, Maman, I won't. :( But Daisuke will, ha ha..

I'll be back soon, with our Indian princess in tow.. and her Petimeramon and possibly her little dog, too! À tout à l'heure!

♥ catherine

Good day, everyone! ♥ How have you been? I've been doing quite well, in case you're wondering. Honestly, I haven't been in the mood to write here for the past few weeks, but it's not that nothing has been happening - quite the opposite, in fact! I'll make a quick (and rather vague) update - perhaps I'll be more specific in later entries?

During the first week or so of April - that is, Easter! - I went to Japan with Daisuke to relax. I didn't go around much, though I did visit Takeru's mother a few times to reminisce. She tried so much to make me feel at home despite my lack of correspondence with her over the past year and the fact that she's busy.. She is really so sweet. Takeru, do thank her for me! I will give her a call again soon, but she'd like to hear from you more.

I also apologize for not being around for you, Taichi, while you were sick! I really have no excuse. I hear that you'll be returning home soon, though.. If you want, I can pass by the next time I'm in Japan? Or maybe I can see you in the Digital World? It's your choice! Do make sure that you're well enough first, though. Koushiro, thank you for being with him, as well! You're too good, really. ♥

What else has been going on?.. Oh, here is what I was originally going to update about! I had such an emotional weekend; my mood fluctuated from high to low to high again every few hours, and that is no exaggeration. I watched Tatum's performance of Bare with Mina, Derek, Michael, and Lara last Friday and I was very, very impressed by it all! It was an amazing night, really; besides the fantastic, moving play, I was so glad to finally meet Mina, who is from India but who has been studying in NYU with Tatum the past few months, and to see Derek from Australia again, since the last time I saw him was ages ago. Make no mistake, Ivy Tatum, I missed you too and I think that you were absolutely perfect onstage (and offstage, if you prefer!). Lara, also, how could I forget you? Thank you so much for being with us! ♥

I also got to meet another Chosen from Australia.. Kelly Barlee, yes? Small world! ♥ He is living in New York now - I met him while I was searching for art supplies for Maman - so maybe you (that is, Michael, Mina, Tatum, and Steve) can meet up with him sometime soon? I can give you his cellphone number! Oh, yes, Derek, you really should spend time with a fellow Aussie. I must admit that I am getting a bit of a soft spot for your accent..

In case I disappear a bit, this week I will be spending some time with Lara in Moscow for some sight-seeing and girl-bonding. I really am excited, Lara! ♥ Thank you once again for offering. I'll send you a text later. Congratulations on the end of finals, too! :)

I should be going for lunch now, so au revoir! I'll try to write more often for all of you. Take care! ♥

I just had the worst day ever.

At least I will be going to Tokyo tomorrow.

Escape.

Tatum, I know this probably isn't a good time for me to call you over, but something is wrong with my Digivice and I don't know who else to call on such short notice!

Don't reply anymore, just come, please! I'll be right here.

I've been wanting to make an entry here lately but I haven't felt the inclination to at all! Whenever I flip open Word to start writing, the ideas in my head - if there were any in the first place - slow down to a trickle. It can be called writer's block, I think, though I unfortunately am not a writer. Either way, Takeru, now I know how you feel!

After an hour of random thoughts and confusion in front of my laptop this morning, I found out why exactly I've been feeling this way, that is, uninspired: I'm coming down with a cold! I won't specify how I got sick because the cause of my illness is someone who bought a ticket to Wicked for me.. I suppose right now I can only hope that I'll feel much better in a few days. I'm not enjoying having a headache and having to lie down in bed all the time.

Now, an update on my social life!

Besides bonding with my favorite female blonde New Yorker (I have to specify so that Michael won't feel left out) in the rain and otherwise, I've been spending time with Daisuke. I see Daisuke almost every day, so that isn't much of a surprise, but lately we've been talking of less shallow things, not just the next person passing by or his boss. Last Thursday we went out with Tatum, too, and went out to watch a movie and to shop. (I have blackmail pictures, but I promised Daisuke that I wouldn't show them so I should post them in a post filtered from him, right, Tatum?!)

Miyako, Sora, Tatum, and I had a day out in the Digital World last Saturday, as well, which composed of frisbee-throwing and -catching (which I miserably failed at), eating chocolate and brownies and other equally sweet things, and some sunbathing. Floramon missed me so much; it was sweet to see. I missed you too, love! ♥ I noticed that she's been flirting with some other Digimon, but I can't berate her. In fact, I'm somewhat proud! Bring out the Frenchwoman in you, mon amour!

I've got some plans for this week, mostly involving Maman, Papa, and strepsils, but, if you're in the area, come by! Friends are welcome anytime, especially if they have pocky. I miss pocky. :)

♥ catherine

Last Wednesday, Daisuke opened a thread for me. He told me that he needed to talk to me. That Takeru had broken up with him. That Tatum had told him that Takeru was dating Michael.

I could not get there fast enough.

Listening to Daisuke, speaking every now and then.. That was all I could do for him. Do you know why? I was almost completely useless because I honestly don't know anything when it comes to relationships, and to give advice on one that lasted as long as his and Takeru's did..

Well, I don't know why I even bothered..

Perhaps this is why I'm scared of love. I don't want to be hurt. I probably will keep on running away until it feels right - until I'm sure that the person is totally, without reservation, perfect for me.

But how will I know that?

The other weekend was so fun! I am probably the latest to update, as usual, so everyone already knows what happened, but I would just like to say that, yes, I really enjoyed everything - the dinner, the drinking (which I stopped doing at just the right time, perfect), and the dancing! Many thanks to Takeru, who saved me from the pudding ambush earlier in the day (belated Happy Birthday once again to you and Hikari!); Tatum and Michael, who arranged the entire thing (you two are great); and Daisuke, for not bailing out on me and being a bad boy for once. Girls just want to have fun, true, but boys feel the need just as acutely! ;)

As Daisuke said, last Sunday was Mother's Day here. Papa, Maman, & I went out for lunch at a nice fine dining restaurant on Avenue des Champs-Élysées. Papa was leading Maman towards Planet Hollywood with a straight face, actually, so Maman was very relieved when he walked right past that not-so-fine restaurant - I could see it in her face. Then she swatted him playfully with her hand, and we all laughed. Oh, Papa! :)

The week has been pleasant and lazy so far, though I have already made some plans for the weekend. Later today I should be taking a nice long walk alone to think.. The other day I had so much time to myself that should have been used to ponder, but instead I looked through photo albums and laughed at my old pictures. It's funny how time flies.. and how things that were once fashionable are now so passé. (Thank goodness I never followed fads!)

That's all I have to say now right now - Maman is calling me out for lunch, and we have some visitors. Until then, take care, everyone, and I will write as soon as I can! :)

♥ catherine

Bonjour, mes amis! Ça va? :) It really has been a long time since I wrote in this journal, which makes doing this again somewhat awkward.. but it's a good feeling as well, though one slightly tinged with nostalgia.

I've been doing very well since I last saw all of you. Papa had a bit of a health scare last year, but he's been recovering nicely. He took a break from work for around a month, during which we headed to the Riviera for some sun and sea. Since then he has been working again, though la mère et moi secretly have some people at the office keep an eye on him for us. (We both have bonded over our shared espionage.)

What else is going on? In case I forgot to tell you before, in September I will be a freshman at Paris Descartes University, also known as University of Paris V! :) I'll be studying at L’Institut de Psychologie, which is absolutely amazing, as the university is known for its focus on medicine and the social sciences. Why Psychology though? It is a very flexible course that can be applied almost anywhere, and it's bound to be interesting.

..You can tell that I've been ready to go to this school for ages, can't you? :) I really think that I've been fated to go there since birth.. but as much as I'd love to talk some more about my future university, I think I'll leave it for another entry. I should be focusing on you all right now!

Yes, I really am excited to see you next weekend in New York – merci to Tatum and Michael for planning everything! Daisuke and I have been enjoying Paris very much, but it isn't the same without the entire group to have fun and joke around with. I think that Daisuke needs to speak in straight, rapide Japanese with people besides yours truly, too.. and I owe quite a few of you birthday gifts as well! Is there anything from over here that you'd like me to give you? ;) Just say the word! (If the rest of you want chocolate, souvenirs, gorgeous French boys.. ask away! I also accept cash. :>)

I think the point of this entry, really, is to say that it's great to be back. :) I'm so glad to hear from everyone again, and I can't wait to see all of you! ♥

Au revoir et à bientôt!

♥ catherine

I don't even know what I should be thinking now.

I'm not depressed at all. I don't think I am! I've just been.. remembering the girls-day-out I had before. I want to go back to Japan sometime, but.. I keep on thinking about how I should be doing. What I should be doing.

I wanted to be a dancer before, but I stopped classes because I was too stressed. Papa and Mother are really well-known here in France, and I had to act so perfect all the time. I had to act well-mannered and demure every waking moment, and it was so hard. I'd return home from parties and gatherings dead-tired - I would just collapse on my bed and doze off in the clothes I was in.

I wanted to become a poet or a writer at one point, as well, but so much more is expected of me. I can do it on the side, yes, but as my main job.. Non.

Mother and Father want me to think now. And I'm having a harder time than ever before.

Happy Birthday, Miyako-san! ♥ You ought to have had a wonderful day. ♥ Did you spend time with your siblings or did you hang out with your friends?

Today, Iris and I went outside to go shopping for a little while. I never really noticed how young she acts, how happily naïve she seems to be about the world. Though it was awkward at first – I can’t really talk to her about Floramon that much, can I? – she seemed happy to have me with her. Things went uphill from there!

Takeru, if you read this... Please get well soon! I know that you cannot exactly control your body and health, but you can influence it, right? And you probably know this, but take plenty of iron supplements! And get a good night's sleep as often as you can.

I miss you all! I hope that everyone is doing fine. ♥♥

Takeru... I miss talking to you. How have you been doing?

Mother and Papa mention you often – it’s really cute– and ask me to invite you here to France. I tell them that it’d be a bother for you to visit just for them, and then they add that your grandfather Michel is here, and that you should visit him as well. They think of you as the son they never had, I suppose!

And about Ken-san.....

I'm sorry! I should have visited as soon as I found out, but I'm trying to come to terms with myself as well, and I really, really don't know what I'd say to all of you if I saw you, Takeru! I'm so sorry.

Mother and Papa have been making me go out all the time now. For St Jean Baptiste Day, for example, we had a small party in our garden; Marie and Iris came by with their parents, and Papa was in such a good mood that he went drinking. Fortunately, he didn’t have a hangover when he woke up the next morning – go, Papa!

But I just found something out, later than everyone else did.

Ken Ichijouji-san is dead.

I feel like such a horrible Chosen Child; I only found out through Floramon, and Floramon does not even come by to this world as often as she used to! She knew about that happening before I did... and through who? I’m not sure...

I tried to have a Mass said for him, but... I feel like such a hypocrite. I haven't really tried to keep in contact with anyone, even Daisuke while he was gone. What am I trying to become, a hermit?

I have to get in contact with everyone again, somehow, and stop having dreams. I live in the real world now.